A Change of Direction

This devotion (30 minute breaks we get) I climbed a familiar tree (see previous post). The object of this devotional period was to get used to listening to God, because we have been learning about Old Testament Prophesy this week, so we were to find a place that helps us listen and just listen to God. In my case, I climbed the tree I usually climb.


This tree is reasonably tall and obvious, being quite easy to climb and overlooking the river with a slightly obscured view due to other vegetation. Because it felt familiar I climbed a bit higher today and sat on a branch whilst observing the river and trying to hear God. I felt God was telling me to climb up and onto a branch I had not climbed onto before. I looked at this branch and thought that it was too high, would not support my weight and too overgrown to safely climb so I reasoned my way out of it and got back to trying to listen. Again I felt like I should be climbing, so I started up towards the branch, but when I got towards it the branch felt too weak and the moss prevented me climbing onto it, so I told God I would climb up again (an impressive, yet easier feat). Again God told me to listen and climb onto the branch even though it seemed unsafe and hard to get to. It took me a fair while to pull myself up onto it, but I eventually made it onto this seemingly unstable branch. I crawled along to the end of it and laid there looking back at the river.


Before I go on, I want to tell you about yesterday: I applied for a grant with the Oxford Charity for £2.7k about three months or so back. I would have only been eligible to apply for this year (you must have lived in Oxford for three full years), so if it came through it would have been miraculous in its own right. This grant would mean I could pretty much afford KTC, and because of that I had spent time praying over it.
Last night dad called telling me I'd got some post at home. He opened it up, and it was a letter from the Oxford Charity saying that my grant request had been unsuccessful and wishing me the best in the future. Instead they are focusing their spending on young children, so I pray a real blessing over them as a charity and their expenditure (they are a good charity). This grant failing brought me back to living by faith however, such that I am unsure what will happen after Christmas. Whereas before I would have been stressed over this, now I believe in theory that God can and will provide, but this had been looming over me all of today, and it was this same uncertainty playing in the back of my mind as I lay on this branch overlooking the river.


As I lay there I suddenly realised the prophetic of what had happened. I had taken a step of faith beyond logical reasoning to a branch which is not stable. Everything about me told me to stay in the familiar, but I followed God's nudges and climbed out. When I was up there the view of the river was no longer obscured, and I could see on top of all of the trees and bushes underneath me - it was beautiful. It got to the time when we had to return back to KTC and I remember thinking that I could not get down because it was so much effort to get up there, and it was at this point that God spoke to me. He told me that I could not get down the way I came, but instead I was going to have to get down a different way - a way that I had not before seen. He had closed off the grant as a way of fulfilling this year financially, but I should trust in him and climb down by a different direction that he will provide. In response to that, there were some large different branches underneath the one I had climbed onto, so I was able to get down safely by a different direction. It also reminded me how hard it had been for me to take the leap of faith in going to KTC, in climbing from the safe familiar branch to the higher unstable branch, and that now I am there I should be enjoying the view rather than worrying and looking back. Interestingly enough, I climbed a different tree later that day and this tree had large stable looking branches which looked secure, but the tree was dying and many stable looking branches actually were not stable and broke. We need to look where we're going with God's vision, and not our own eyes, because he alone knows if a branch is strong enough to support us.

Update:

Since starting this blog I became a Counsellor. You can read more on blog on subjects like Therapy at:

 www.simonslistening.co.uk 

Up a Tree

I seem to be spending a lot of our devotional times up trees. They are nice, people don't notice you up there so it is a good quiet place. There is a nice view from up some of the trees and finally, as one of the girls at KTC said, you feel one with nature when you're up them. I get that same kind of feeling feeding the ducks or going walking. God speaks in nature to me, believe He is really there moving. Other people really find him in music, exercise, cooking... we're all individually made, and how God speaks to us is individual. Whatever that activity is that acts as worship for you, or you really observe God in - invest time in it.

Update:

Since starting this blog I became a Counsellor. You can read more on blog on subjects like Therapy at:

 www.simonslistening.co.uk 

Tears from the Heart

I think that it is healthy to express our emotions rather than holding them in. Indeed, I spent the majority of last year facilitating people's journeys in coming to terms with their emotions. Admittedly it is not always socially healthy to express how we feel (though often it really builds a group, and deepens relationships), because it can offend, but I acknowledge the benefits of knowing someone you can speak and share your feelings with, or having a way of releasing them - such as through prayer, journalling, exercising - whatever works. Despite this belief in feelings I do not cry.

Before Bible college, I can only remember a few occasions when I had cried (often in response to a film like 'the passion'). I guess being a man, and British we learn to just mask our feelings to the extent that we are unable to release. Humans are the only animal which cries as an emotional response, and the act of doing so releases endorphins which make us feel much better; in plain English: it is a healthy human response and expression with worth-while results. There were times before Bible College where I really wanted to, but couldn't, and it was a bit sad. It was as though I could explore myself in theory, but not from the heart.

I've been at college for about five weeks now, and since starting I have cried at least twice, and keep feeling it welling up inside of me whenever I have something to bring to someone. There was one occasion where we were having a lecture on Leviticus (not the most emotional book in the Bible). Before this lecture we had been thinking about just how much God loves us. I began thinking that God doesn't just love me and want me like that, but he loves everyone like he loves me. I then thought of my friends who did not know Him yet, and I felt overwhelmed with emotion. For that hour of lectures I was devastated that God really wanted those people to know Him, and loved them, but they did not know Him. It brought me to tears to the extent that I could not forget it, and struggled to listen. There was another time when I had a word for someone in the morning about disappointing fathers, and how God does not. This word didn't feel like it was for me, but it grew so heavily on my emotional self that I cried all the way through the long walk into college. There have been a few other occasions where I have prayed with people, or felt a word and it's tugging at my emotions as well as at my head. I am finally starting to realise what empathy means, to feel as another feels and not just try and understand.

I think as this year goes on we will all continue to learn with our minds, and those minds really get pushed, but also learn with our hearts. To become softened and willing to express emotions. 

Update:

Since starting this blog I became a Counsellor. You can read more on blog on subjects like Therapy at:

 www.simonslistening.co.uk